Ezenhemmer Plastic Bags and Child Rearing Utensils Party
Frequently Asked Questions about Ezenhemmer
Contents:
THE IDEOLOGY: What does Ezen stand for? THE PLATFORM: What messages
does Ezen want to spread?-
Does Ezen have any definite opinions about
anything?
THE HISTORY: The birth of a political party. THE VOTERS: How many vote for
does Ezenhemmer have?-
Who
votes for Ezenhemmer?
THE MEMBERS: How many members does Ezen have? (April
1998) THE PARTY LEADER: Who
is KM? THE SYMBOL: What does Ezen's
logo symbolise? THE CABINET: What ministerial
posts are held within the Ezen shadow cabinet?THE IDEOLOGY: What does Ezen stand for?
Ezenhemmer Plastic Bags and Child Rearing Utensils Party (just Ezenhemmer or Ezen for short) is a reaction against the world-wide, dead boring, political seriousness. The basic idea of Ezenhemmer is that everybody would feel a lot better and be more in harmony with the rest of the world if we began to be a little bit more cheerful and playful instead of engaging ourselves in disputes with our opponents. Ezenhemmer wants, as does the other major political power in Sweden, the Galago Party, to be labelled as a party "For A Better Life", instead of a party "Against Something We Think We Don't Like Just Right Now".
The
Ezenhemmer basic point of view is that no problem in the world is so big or
so serious that we must sacrifice our joy of living, or our ability to play
and have fun while dealing with it.
THE PLATFORM: What messages does Ezen want to spread?
The Ezenhemmer Plastic Bags and Child Rearing Utensils Party wants to live up to its reputation as a party for the "the seriously unserious". Thus all slogans can be characterised as unserious and/or ambiguous. Some examples follow:
WE TAKE A STAND ON THIS POLITICAL ISSUE! WE ARE THE SERIOUS ALTERNATIVE! ONE FOR ALL AND THE REST TO US! VOTE FOR US, WE DO! TOGETHER WE ARE MORE! DOWN THE DRAIN! UP YOURS!
Does Ezen have any definite opinions about anything?
The serious aims of Ezenhemmer politics are very few, and most of them have to do with communication (e.g. telephone rates, highway speed limits and language education). Furthermore, to limit the extent of seriousness, the party has put forth a number unserious goals as well. Among the few issues where Ezen does not have an ambiguous opinion we can mention:
Telephone calls should never cost more than one unit when calling locally. The words of KM should be a part of religious education
in school. The first Sunday of each month the Swedish tabloid
Aftonbladet should be printed and sold in children's story-book size, cost
42 SEK and be written by Astrid Lindgren. Interlingua should be included in the Swedish school
system language studies curriculum. The PRIPPS brewery should be forbidden by law to
refer to any of its products as being anything similar or related to beer. Trips to London should be subsidised.THE HISTORY: The birth of a political party.
The story begins sometime in the mid 80's, originating from a practical joke among some "compufreaks", i.e. people that used to call small and private BBS:s (Bulletin Board Systems) in Sweden long before the "Internet boom" began. At that time there existed a BBS called CompuText (later "CT-1"), which served as a hideout for a small number of compufreaks that had been along since the early dawn of computer communication. The party was for a long time nothing but that, an internal joke in Stockholm, but has during the last years aroused a growing interest among people when the use of modems began to spread.The typical BBS has a number of "meetings", dealing with different topics, where the users can communicate and exchange ideas with each other. One day a marvellous new meeting emerged, "PLASTIC BAGS - EXCHANGE OF EXPERIENCES". And thus, by discussing the collector's value of an old Marks & Spencer's carrier bag anno 1977 or a Selfridges in mint condition anno 1979, the initiated fooled the less knowing to believe that there really existed a hysteria for collecting plastic bags (there does, I'm told (translators note))
The
hilarious joke continued, and after a while the initiated began to refer to
a non existent Swiss catalogue of European collector's prices for plastic
bags. For credibility reasons there was a need for a publisher of the catalogue
and the following sequence from a recording by Swedish comedian and telephone
terrorist Kalle Sändare gave some inspiration:
-
-
But is this really a serious journey? What's the name of the travel agency?
- (mumbled) Resenmelmer.
- Sorry???
- Ezenhemmer. After the mother...
And so name "Ezenhemmer" was born and a notably large number of CompuText users wanted a copy of the catalogue to check if they had any valuable bags at home.
Some time later the BBS "Kattplågarnas Gille / Esquire" (Cat Tormentors Guild / Esquire) had the honour of being allowed to test a new BBS program, created by Mats Nilsson Esq. in Västerås. The system had to have an appropriate working name and with the above episode in mind you don't have to think long to come up with a name that sounds funny as well as having the character of an inside joke. As it happened, the system became permanent and the name intact, and thus the legendary Ezenhemmer BBS was born to father a thousand fabled stories. In this rich environment, the most unserious place for compufreaks in Sweden, the seed of the country's most unserious political party was planted.
So
how does "Child Rearing utensils" enter into it? One explanation that readily
comes to mind is: "Put a plastic bag over the head of an obnoxious spoiled
brat and tie it securely around the neck, and he will show signs of submission
and good manners in some 15-20 minutes time". :-)
THE VOTERS: How many vote for does Ezenhemmer have?
In the 1988 general election Ezenhemmer only got a handful of votes, including some that the hand-written name on the ballot form was registered under the wrong name (either by misunderstanding, bad eyesight or malice on behalf of the election functionaries).In 1991 the Ezenhemmer Plastic Bags and Child Rearing Utensils Party got as much as 49 votes in the parliamentary election, which is more than the Stockholm Party, the Syndicalists and the Cheaper Beer Party got TOGETHER. This made the party the 33rd largest in Sweden at the time, beaten among the (un)serious parties by the Donald Duck Party, 1535 votes, and the Galago Party (the Merry Ones) 52 votes.
In
the 1994 election, however, the party collected as many as 102 votes, partly
as a result of the successful co-operation with the Swedish Miniature Cars
& Intoxicating Beverages Association (Svenska småbils & Rusdrycksförbundet,
SSB&RDF).
Who votes for Ezenhemmer?
Ezenhemmer is still not well known to the average Swede. The party would like to attract those who don't want to cast their votes for the traditional parties, mainly because they are tired of all the arguments and political fighting and the fact that most politicians can't co-operate or behave like normal human beings.In the 1991 election, the typical Ezenhemmer voter was a man, 18-45 years old. He lived in Stockholm and was working with, or interested in, computers. Only 16% of the voters were women.
In
the 1994 election the response was countrywide and the percentage of women
voting for Ezenhemmer had risen to 35% (please don't ask how we know that,
as a persons political view is supposed to be a secret (translator's note)).
Although the result keeps getting higher, there are still just a small number
of people from outside the computer circles.
THE MEMBERS: How many party members does Ezen have?
By September 1994 Ezenhemmer had 72 members. Of these 61 were men, 10 women and 1 eunuch. Basically, everyone that voted for Ezen was a member of the party too.THE PARTY LEADER: Who is KM?
KM is the patron saint for the so-called "KOM compufreaks" who use their computers and modems to communicate, discuss and have fun together and actively distance themselves from those who use them to spread child pornography, nazi propaganda and such garbage.What or who KM really is is debated among the learned. Some are convinced that he is God, others interpret the cryptical letters as 'Katten Mickelin' (in English 'Pussy Mickelin') and suggest that he is the black cat that used to be seen in the home of one of the founding members.
Fanatic members of the party refer to KM as the Unmentionable, the Black One, the Furry One or the Almighty. There also circulates a book called KMGB, that is said to contain the last fragments of the ancient, sacred and holy script 'KM's Good Book'.
(addendum: The above mentioned black cat has, after the text was written,
become an ex cat, and is
now chasing the heavenly mice waiting for the right time to return to his
followers. (translator's note))
THE SYMBOL: What does Ezen's logo symbolise?
The symbol is a stylised cat (Could it be KM?). It appeared for the first time 1985 in the above mentioned BBS "Kattplågarnas Gille / Esquire" ("The Cat Tormentors Guild / Esquire"), the predecessor of the Ezenhemmer BBS.THE CABINET: What ministerial posts are held within the Ezen shadow cabinet?
Each member of the party is granted the title of Minister and heads a department or committee of their own choice. Below is a list of the ministers at the time of the 1994 election (except for some that just couldn't be translated into English). Some of the titles may sound somewhat cryptical, but rest assured that they are well founded (especially if you know the misbehaviour pattern of the owner)
The Party Leader Minister of Baccardi Lord Protector Naughty Minister Minister of Ecumechanics Minister of Adhesive Tape and Small Furry Pets
Aesthetic Minister
Fax & Muscle Minister
Faeces Minister
Minnisster off Mispeling
Feminister
Minister of Fish Fingers
Minister of Fnord
Free Speed Minister
Minister of Ugly Briefcases
Drunken Minister #1
Drunken Minister #2
Shepherd for Drunken Ministers
Keeper of the Ministerial Privies & Sugar-Puffs
Minister of Frogs
Minister of Making-a-Total-Ass-of-Himself
Minister of Hats
Secret Minister
Imaginary Minister
Minister of Josefsson
Equalitarian Minister
Minister of Cookie Jars
Minister of Carbon Dioxide
Minister of Bankruptcy
Criminal Minister
Feminister in Boots
Minister of Leather & Pederasty
Macro Minister
Maladminister
MIDIster
Minister of Lesser Xmas Trees
Mini Minister
Minister of Painful Experiments with Peasants
Minister of Matters Concerning Tore and Olle
Minister of Mint Condoms
Minister of Dirty Tricks
Minister of Virginity
Misminister
Minister of the Party Song
Minister of Propaganda
Minister of Psychoactivy
State Executioner
Minister of Satanism
Minister of Hell & Gore
Mud Wrestling Feminister
Minister of Couch Lizards
Minister of Black & White Photography
Minister of Boredom
Minister of Space Occupancy
Minister of Foreigners' Affairs
Minister of Emigration
Minister of Weather
Minister of Bleeding
Minister of Opinions
Minister of Elks
Minister of Beer
